Letting Go of Independence

My very first house I solely owned is now SOLD! It has been hard letting this house go but I knew I needed to. With all the things that have happened to me through the years, I held on to this house as my way of not needing anyone. I knew financially I had no one but the Lord to rely on. I laugh now but when I received my promotion and took a salary position in 2013, the major reason I took the position was because I wanted to go back to Africa. I did not want to depend on anyone’s money for fundraising to go back. I wanted to take three weeks and help out at an orphanage and do more for the Lord’s Kingdom. It cost over $4,000 and the only way I was going to get there was with this new salary position. Then I took a detour and bought a house. I bought this house thinking of the future. I figured I am not married, I have no kids, why not take a risk. There was nothing to lose.

I remember looking at the house and it had a nice backyard not huge but cute and quaint. Then the reality of being a home owner hit me that summer when I needed to mow the lawn. My cousin helped me get a nice lawn mower and weed trimmer, however to this day I still do not know how to use the weed trimmer. As I took care of this house, there were days I was annoyed at having to mow my own lawn. Sometimes our ideas of things do not match reality until we are smack in the middle of it. Welcome to adulthood!

Once my cousin and his wife moved out at the end of 2014, I prayed for God to provide roommates that would not physically hurt me and not destroy my house. I posted an add on Craigslist and the Lord provided two young men in their 20’s to live with me. I did a back ground check and credit check but it was still a bit nerve-wracking the first week as I was nervous they would do something to me. I prayed for good roommates and the Lord answered my prayer within a month of my cousin moving out, I had these two brothers that moved in. What was an added bonus is they never once smoked or drank in my house. The only people they had over was their family.

It is neat to look back to almost five years ago, and see the Lord’s hand upon me in buying this house. He took care of me in all of the stress of maintaining a house on my own and in providing wonderful roommates. Now as the house is sold, I do not need anything else to lean upon as a woman other than the Lord. It is ok to lean upon my husband but ultimately, all of my needs are met by the Lord. I have struggled for many years of, “never depend on a man” because my life has been scarred by men in many ways.

The reality in this life people will hurt you but we must let go of our independence, our anger, and forgive. Our world that we live in is getting more and more filled with people who hate. I know what it is like to hate and it only adds misery and takes away the joy in life and in relationships.

We must learn to trust again and pray to the Lord to take care of us no matter the season. Whether we are single, married, widowed, orphaned, the Lord is the ONLY one to provide for our every need. He longs for us to rest in Him and not be stubborn and self sufficient where we no longer rely on anyone but our selves. My journey is in letting go of everything, trusting in the Lord and forgiving others for their words and actions towards me.

As I let go of this house, I remember the memories I did have in it. I remember my Mom coming over one time before she passed away for a family dinner. The memories of friends and family in my house will live on in my heart. I embrace this season of change in letting go of my independence, my first home.

And someday I will make it back to Africa…





What does it sound like when you sing heaven’s song
What does it feel like when heaven comes down
What does it look like when God is all around
Let it come

This is what it sounds like
When you sing heavens song
This is what it feels like when heaven comes down
This is what it looks like when God is all around
Let it come

Song: What does it sound like Spontaneous worship

By: Jeremy Riddle and Steffany Frizzell June 2012 found on youtube

As I take this month to remember my Mom, I think of the scripture in Hebrews 12:1

The Race of Faith

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

My Mom is in heaven and she is with Father, God. Part of me wonders is she now part of the “great cloud of witnesses?” She is looking down from heaven watching her children, she no longer has any sorrow or sadness but she watches. She prays for us still. She is laughing and enjoying the fellowship of all her family that went on before her and her children she lost in her womb.

Can you imagine what it will be like being with Father God? What will it be like to be face to face with him? All our earthly shame and sorrow washed away.

Now onto the second part of this scripture. How am I running my race knowing I have a great cloud of witnesses watching? How am I going to live for Him more? How am I going to not let the distractions and men take me away from my relationship with Papa.

To run with endurance means, keep going and do not give up. Do not allow the evil of this world to corrupt your soul. Do not allow other’s words or gossip to change you into a mean, bitter person. I look forward and run and choose to remove the sins that ensnare me.

I ask you, what sins in your life have ensnared you and kept you captive held down in chains? When will we choose to remove the sins that keep us away from the Lord? When will we say enough and choose purity, holiness and run for His purposes in our lives?

Because I operate in realness, the sins that have ensnared me is: sex outside of marriage, bitterness, rage, anger. I refuse to be the “fake” Christian therefore I lay it all out on the line.

My soul will always long for Heaven but while He has me here, I will cry with the broken. I will feel again and mourn with those that mourn. My actions will choose to “be selfless” I will care more about others than self.

I will choose to not walk with a man that is all “talk” to have me. I will see his actions. How does he treat me when no one is around? How does he cherish my heart? How do I respect him? How do I honor him not in lip service but in my actions? Is he actually reading the Bible and allowing God to change him?

I will keep my eyes and heart focused forward as this is my prize to some day be home in my Father’s arms.20170915_122107-1.jpg

Let your Spirit come Lord!!

Shall we Judge each other?

John 8:3-11

The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court, they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. “Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?” read more.
They were saying this, testing Him, so that they might have grounds for accusing Him. But Jesus stooped down and with His finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking Him, He straightened up, and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “I do not condemn you, either Go From now on sin no more.”

I ask you brother and sister shall we judge each other? I judge you for your Pharisee heart and you judge me because of my sin and who I am.

Let me tell you who I am. I am a woman that has fought many battles. I write them not for pity I write them to show you I am weak and I will boast of my weaknesses.

2 Corinthians 11:30 If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am.”

My story I was neglected as a child. My father did not take care of me. I was always sick with fevers and this caused moderate hearing loss. My father would not take me to the doctor. Later in life I researched this and I had otitis media and my Eustachian tube would not drain. I should have had a procedure done younger than 5 yrs old. and this would have helped my ears to not have fluid blocked and my hearing to have not been damaged.

During this time ages 4 – 7 my Mother left to Colorado and left me and my older brother with my Dad in Nebraska. She abandoned us and only saw us during the summers. I remember crying at the dinner table for hours because she was gone. My Dad molested me during these years. I still remember at the age of 6, my Dad would show me pornography pictures and said, “when you are older we can do this.” He would tell me if I told anyone I would go to a foster home. He would then molest me and I still remember the acts.

I remember one day around the age of 6, I prayed to God to get me out of there. I felt His presence and the presence of an Angel. He told me he would get me out of there.

My dad is not evil he just needs Jesus. I have forgiven him but I do not have a relationship with him.

Without a father’s love and protection, I have fought men and wondered will they abandon me? Will they abuse me with their words and actions? To trust another with your life is a huge deal.

In the end, I must trust again and forgive.

I have had to forgive my Mom knowing I was being molested yet she followed her own selfish desires and did not protect me and get me out of the situation. I know she didn’t have money but she moved to Colorado and left me there.

To this day I battle abandonment issues. My heart had to wrestle through forgiving her. The beautiful thing is, I finally let go and accepted her where she was at. In her sins, I still loved her and forgave her. Her spirit is now with Father God.

I served 3 months in Africa as a missionaries in my 20’s. I will never forget the things I saw and how my heart bled for the broken and lost. The children that were orphans and the widows.

Then I got married at the age of 26. My ex went to church however he had a hidden sin. He would look at child pornography and he was a middle school teacher. I did not fully know the extent of the situation until I found out the evidence.

I then went to my pastor and he took the evidence to the police. My ex lost everything: his career, his master’s degree and his marriage. I couldn’t stay in a marriage knowing I gone through sexual abuse.

I felt guilt turning him in. I was ridiculed by our mutual friends. I kept my mouth shut until now as I didn’t want to slander him. My heart has forgiven him and I pray he lives the truth and does not hide his sin. Even through all of this, we were divorced and I still had a dream when his grandfather died the actual night before he died.

Over two years ago, I lost my Mom and that hasn’t been easy. God also gave me a dream she died two weeks before her death. He speaks through dreams and visions my friends, Joel 2:28. I just found out my younger brother age 23 is now going back to doing heroine. It’s hard to hear how he is shooting up heroine in his arm and his veins are bleeding from it. My heart carries this and it breaks me. My mom would not want that for him. My older brother struggles with depression and he at times has told me he wants to end his life. My heart breaks because I want to see my family in heaven. I cry as I write this. I feel my family is crumbling around me and I have no father and no mother. I am an orphan and my heart grieves. My heart grieves for the losses I have experienced. My heart grieves for my brothers. My heart grieves for the judgement others have looked upon me and scorned me. I ask who are you to judge, O Christian brother or sister. You are called to pray. I am called to pray. We have a battle set up by satan to kill, steal and destroy. Instead of gossiping and judging each other perhaps we should love each other like Christ has called us to?

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

I run my race not for the approval of men, but so that my soul will go to heaven when its my time and to bring others to Christ. My life is not my own.

My weaknesses: bitterness, anger, rage, a sharp tongue, sexual immorality, un-forgiveness, trust, trying to control others, jealousy, hatred

I boast in my weaknesses, my God is my strength

2 Cor. 12:9-10

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

 I forgive you of your judgement of me. Lets lay aside our differences and run this race for our families, our souls to not be corrupted, for others souls.

Empty Me

As I remove the distractions around me, I take a moment to reflect on the goodness of the Lord. I am not worthy, but He pours out His blessings. My prayer is God would fill me up and I desire nothing this world has to offer. He alone satisfies the longings of our hearts. I empty myself so He can fill me up again. His passions, His desires is what my heart truly longs for. I pray I can cry again with those that are mourning. My heart will no longer be numb to pain as I have gone through many battles. I pray I can feel the heartbeat of the Lord. I hear only His voice in a world raging against God’s standards. I pray we not drown out the voices of the hurting, the lonely, the brokenhearted, the homeless.

In a world filled with me first and you last, I pray I can learn to put others before my own needs. Many years ago, I felt the fire of the Lord and nothing else mattered. I pray I come back to my first love and God’s Word says NOTHING will separate me from the Love of Christ. In having plenty or in having nothing, I am His daughter and no man, woman or life event will ever take me away from my Father, God. He alone is all I need. I no longer have a father or mother to guide me and yes, I am an orphan but I am His daughter. The beauty is, He alone pours out blessings. No man, woman, parent, friend or anyone can ever give us the desires of our hearts. He is the only one that can open doors and close them. He has the power to heal the sick, to pour out financial blessings no corporation or anyone or anything can ever give what He alone can give. There is such beauty in knowing He is with me and when its time for me to die, I will be in His presence and see my Papa face to face. I am an overcomer and so are you. When that time comes, I long to be in my Papa’s arms. I long to be with Him. For now, I will remain in Him not allowing this world and the cares and keeping up with the jones to occupy my heart. My heart is not of this world you see. My eyes are fixed on souls making it up to heaven. My heart is fixed and NOTHING WILL EVER TAKE ME FROM MY PAPA. No gossip, no sickness, no death, no loss of friends. He alone is my rest. People will fail us. Spouses cannot fill every longing in our hearts. Parents cannot be God. No person or thing can ever fill this emptiness we all have. As much as we can pretend life is perfect, I know its not and the facade and mask will come off in time. And when the mask comes off, it will be alot easier for me to love you. In my adult years, I have no patience for fake ness and the facade society lives in. As a Christian, I struggle loving fake people. Crazy I know Lol I just don’t have time for a fantasy world. God has to help me love those folks that are conniving and have ugly hearts. This is my inner battle loving others no matter how ugly their hearts are.

My prayer is that I am emptied from all that doesn’t matter. I thought of my Mom the other day. How beautiful it is that she is up in heaven, smiling and has no more tears, no cares. She is with Jesus. I miss her so I wish I could hug her again and call her on the phone. It is the living that are sad for those that have passed on. Those that are gone and have received Jesus as their Lord and Savior are up in Heaven and how wonderful I will see her again.

Come Lord have your way in my fleshly nature. Empty me of all that is not of you Lord and fill me with your Presence, Your Love for others. Help me to feel again Lord.

One of my worship songs I love:

Lyrics by Jesus Culture “I Want to Know You”

I want to know you

Let your Spirit overwhelm me

Let your Presence overtake my heart




Wisdom on Marriage & Dating.. I have been there..

I write out of experience, out of the overflow of my heart. I share only from the depths of me and respect the privacy of others. Let me start off with about a month ago, I went to down town Denver to help feed the homeless. There was a man that shared one of my uncles name’s. He was so happy and filled with joy even though he lived under a bridge. My heart was overwhelmed with joy. He told me about his story how he fought in the Korean war and if he would survive out there he could survive living under a bridge. He was a man that had long hair and filled me with such joy. I asked if he needed prayer for anything and he said he did and I prayed for him. My heart loved praying for this man. It reminded me of one of the things that brings me joy praying for others. The day before my Mom died, she asked me to pray for her and I did. Nothing is more joyful than being able to say a prayer over your parent the day before they pass. My heart awakens to battle in prayer for others. My Mom knew this was one of my gifting and she wanted me to pray. The homeless man humbled me as he is a man of thankfulness and love even when he has no money, no place to lay his head at night.

Now onto the topic of marriage. I was married some years ago. To protect the past situation, I will not give any names or extreme details. I will share part of my story as we all have a story but are we brave enough to talk about it. To open up the wounds and allow God to mend those areas and in turn help others who have gone through similar situations.

I will share marriage isn’t easy and glamorous as a lot of people on social media like to pretend.  It’s great to post the pictures of the grand vacation, or the perfect family pictures but people behind the closed doors have no idea what is truly going on in a marriage. Pretend away, I personally connect with real, raw emotions from people. Marriage takes work after the infatuation stage passes. It isn’t easy when your husband or wife is in an addiction and you feel helpless or inadequate. It isn’t easy when your spouse or you become so selfish and you just don’t care about the other person’s feelings. I hate to say it folks but marriage isn’t always easy. When an unexpected illness comes or loss of a job and there is no money to pay for bills. Marriage isn’t easy.. it takes work on both the man and woman’s side. If one or both don’t care to make it work, then your marriage won’t work. In a society of selfishness, of it’s my way or the highway (I am human and guilty of this) it doesn’t produce a team working together. Both people have fun together and are a team tackling life together. This helps makes a marriage work. Let’s not forgot God needs to be involved in the marriage. He is the one that speaks to the man’s heart and speaks to the woman’s heart on how each individual person need to work on their area of change. Yes, I hate to say it but you aren’t perfect. We all have flaws and you bring them into a marriage. Ladies, my wisdom to you: You cannot change your husband. Your job is to pray God will help change you and pray over your husband. That is your job. You are to treat him well and build him up, serve him as you serve the Lord. Men, pray God will change your heart, remove the pride and allow your heart to be pliable. If it’s too hard, love cannot penetrate through. If your woman has an annoying habit, or gaining weight etc. Love her unconditionally and treat her with respect. The more you degrade her with your words or your actions, the more she will struggle respecting you. As you treat her with kind words and you shower your love on her, she will in turn respect you and honor you as the King in your house. It really is a cycle. The man doesn’t feel respected so he withholds love from her. She doesn’t feel loved by him, so she withholds adoration, praise and respect for him. For a relationship to work, you must learn to accept each other as you are and not keep looking to the ‘grass is greener on the other side.’ It is true the grass IS greener where you water it. Marriage is about having your best friend and lover walk through life with you. You are on the same team.. act like it and enjoy the ride. All of this isn’t easy but it is worth it. We are used to trading in our latest phone, gadget for the newest version, with marriage you cannot do that. The body does get saggy eventually unless you can afford plastic surgery. Learn to love that person, men and women not based on the outer shell but the INWARD qualities. The heart, the character of that person. The body truly is a shell how do I know this, I watch my Mom die and her spirit rose to heaven after she passed. The body withers by the spirit of that person carries on.

How do they treat you in public, how do they treat others? How do you treat others? Are they all sweet to you one minute and change so fast based on how they feel? Are they Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Watch and observe. Do your base personalities click or are you constantly on different pages due to maturity levels, or life experiences? Are you having fun together? This is important as the saying goes, a family that prays together and I might add plays together will stay together. Have fun you only get one life until we all have to meet our maker. If he or she doesn’t CARE about your needs or want this will not produce a healthy marriage. You must CARE about their needs above your own. You fight for keeping the marriage bed pure. What does this mean? It means don’t bring other men or women into your house, thoughts, or marriage bed alone when your spouse isn’t there. You have pledged before God to honor this person and you should follow through with this. If you want to be the single bachelor or bachelorette, then by all means that is your life, we are all held accountable for our own actions but don’t decide to hurt someone because of your own selfishness. If you want to sleep with 100 men or woman my advice stay single and don’t tie yourself down. If your ready to be fully committed with one person and only that person for the rest of your life then marriage is good.

Personally, I would like to be married again and I am not in any rush. The right man will sweep me off my feet and I will love him with all I have. Until then I will enjoy this ride of being single. I will enjoy the crazy, unknown world of dating Lol. The experience of having a family dinner with two young girls that aren’t my children and they loved having a family dinner because they weren’t used to it blessed my heart. Knowing I could impact a young child’s life was a little frightening yet rewarding at the same time. The experience of lighting up a young girls life is something new to me. There are so many experiences to live it is time to live and have fun. I will let go, You never know what is out there until you open your heart to the possibilities. Be young, wild and enjoy these excursions. This is life. Live, for you do not know when it’s your time to meet the Lord and are your ready for the adventure?

marriage 3 helen

True Love and Contentment

I have been meaning to write all of the revelations that have been on my heart. I watched the movie entitled, “Far From the Maddening Crowd” and this is such a beautiful romantic movie. This movie spoke to my heart in so many ways. The woman character in the movie is an independent woman, adventurous, strong she has a farm she must manage. She has workers to help out with the farm. The story is 3 men fall in love with her and she must choose between these men. One of the men only wanted her for her money, he never truly loved her. Another man in this movie was so devoted to her, loyal always helping her in any way he could. As I watched this movie, I related to this woman and how at a young age she lost her parents. She was in some ways forced to be independent. It made me realize how there are so many people willing to take advantage and use a woman. The man that is loyal to her truly loved her. He didn’t want to use her or abuse her in any way. He stood by her side. That is the love I want. He treats her with utmost respect and love. He isn’t in the relationship to please himself, He romances her and protects her. He is her guardian. That is what my heart longs for. A woman cannot let go of having to be strong until a man is willing to be so loyal, devoted to making sure she is protected and loved. I feel this movie showed me that yes I can marry anyone but God has given me another chance. I need to choose wisely and God will speak to me as long as I wait on him. I learn to wait until my adventurous heart has a man I can go on adventures with. A man I can respect and serve.


“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:12-13)

I find in this waiting period to look within and change my perspective. I need to learn to not be satisfied when I have x, y, z but be present in the moment and not look to others for my contentment. I was content so many years ago, as I had nothing. I worked 16 straight days to save money for 3 months rent so I could go to Africa for 3 months. I was content taking bucket showers as I was able to laugh with the children. I was content as I took  my bible and had my time with the Lord and 6 children came and sat at my feet. We couldn’t talk the same language but the language of love and letting them sit on my lap as I was trying to tell them about going to church. I was content as I was in the bush and having to walk so many hours just to reach the people and tell them about Jesus. I was filled with joy as I saw a woman who could not walk get up and walk and was healed before my eyes. My heart beats for life to come forth. This is when I am content. When I see a changed life, God healing people (emotionally, physically). I am learning to be content being single. God has blessed me with a beautiful home and instead of whining to God for the love of my life I need to realize my contentment is not in things or stuff. My contentment is knowing whether I have plenty or nothing I am happy where God has placed me. He is the one that opens doors to blessings. My contentment is in the Lord and its in the beauty of all the friends & family he has given me. It is the love of a spiritual mom that mothers me even when I don’t want to hear it. It is her love and knowing she is there when I need a Mom or friend. Being content is not based on the promotions it is based on the love of my Papa, Father God. There are days I get lonely and long for a beautiful love but in the end this life isn’t meant for  me to be self serving. There are so  many that need community, need love. I pray God will use me to minister to the broken-hearted, the outcasts. Those that are orphans physically or emotionally. As one of my favorite songs goes: All of my life in every season you are still God I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship ‘Desert Song’ by Hillsong. Time to dance and praise the Lord. This is where the victory comes. When we are down & sad we worship. It drives out the sadness. No weapon formed against me shall remain. Here are some beautiful pictures.

far-from-the-madding-crowd Africa pic

Hello world!

My very first blog. This is exciting I get to blog about my adventures and insights! This has been burning on my heart for the last year so its time to start writing.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  This is the first Mother’s Day without my Mom. I remember last year how my cousin and I were able to bless her and make her some yummy fish. It has not been easy losing my Mom. I guess there will always be the “I wonder if I should have, could have” but I know I cannot live with the ‘what ifs.’ I have to cherish the memories I had with her and the ways I was able to bless her.  I look back to a year ago and she gave me a plant she had kept alive since the day I was born. She brought it over to my house and gave it to me to take care of. I always told her I don’t want the plant until I have a house and have room to take care of it. She gave it to me as a gift and now I can keep the plant alive in honor of her. Little things like that mean so much more than what money can buy. I miss her even now as I write this. The one lesson through her passing, never take for granted the times you have with your Mom. Make good memories for that is what you will carry with you when they are gone. I love her so much!

Mom & I
Mom & I our last Mother’s Day together 5/14